What Should I Do If My Spouse Is Threatening Me During Our Divorce?

The decision to end a marriage is never simple, and the process itself can be fraught with emotional and financial stress. When one spouse introduces threats, intimidation, or abuse into the equation, the situation can quickly become terrifying and dangerous. If you are navigating a divorce in Virginia and your spouse is threatening you, your safety and the safety of your children must be your foremost concern.

Dealing with such a volatile situation requires immediate, strategic action to protect yourself both physically and legally. 

What Legally Constitutes a Threat in a Virginia Divorce?

In the context of a Virginia divorce, a threat is not limited to overt statements of physical violence. The law recognizes that abuse can take many forms, all of which are serious and can have a profound impact on legal proceedings. It is important to identify the types of behavior that constitute a threat so you can take appropriate action.

These behaviors can include:

• Physical Threats: Any statement or action that places you in reasonable fear of physical harm, injury, or assault. This includes threatening to hit, push, or otherwise harm you, your children, or even your pets.
• Emotional and Psychological Threats: This involves behavior intended to intimidate, terrorize, or control you. Examples include threats to ruin your reputation, to reveal sensitive personal information, to harm themselves if you proceed with the divorce, or to use the court system to punish you endlessly.
• Financial Threats: A common tactic in contentious divorces is financial abuse. This can involve threatening to cut off your access to marital funds, hide assets, cancel your health insurance, intentionally get you fired from your job, or leave you destitute.
• Custody-Related Threats: These are some of the most painful threats, where one parent uses the children as leverage. Examples include threatening to take the children and disappear, to make false allegations of abuse against you to Child Protective Services (CPS), or to ensure you never see your children again.
• Stalking and Harassment: This includes unwanted and repeated contact, following you, showing up at your workplace, monitoring your communications, or using technology to track your movements.

What Are Your Immediate Steps for Ensuring Safety?

If you feel you are in immediate danger, your priority is to get to a safe location. Legal proceedings can wait; your personal safety cannot.

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. Law enforcement can intervene, remove the threatening spouse from the situation, and create an official record of the incident.

Consider these steps:

• Leave the Situation: If possible, remove yourself and your children from the environment where the threat is occurring.
• Go to a Safe Place: This could be the home of a trusted friend or family member, or a domestic violence shelter. Virginia has numerous resources, such as the Virginia Sexual and Domestic Violence Action Alliance, that can connect you with local shelters and support services.
• Limit Contact: Do not engage with your spouse. Responding to threats, whether in anger or to de-escalate, can often make the situation worse. Let all communication go through your attorney.
• Secure Your Communications: Change passwords to your email, social media accounts, and financial accounts. Consider using a new phone or computer that your spouse has not had access to.

How Can Virginia’s Legal System Protect Me?

Virginia law provides a powerful tool for protecting victims of family abuse: the Protective Order. A protective order is a civil court order signed by a judge that requires one person to stop harming or threatening another. The process typically begins in the local Juvenile and Domestic Relations District Court (J&DR Court).

There are three types of protective orders in Virginia:

• Emergency Protective Order (EPO): This can be issued by a judge or magistrate without a full hearing if there is an immediate danger of family abuse. It is typically requested by a law enforcement officer who has responded to a domestic incident. An EPO is temporary and usually lasts for 72 hours or until the next court business day, giving you time to file for a more lasting order.
• Preliminary Protective Order (PPO): To get a PPO, you must file a petition with the J&DR Court. A judge will hear from you, and if they find you are or have recently been a victim of family abuse, they will issue the PPO. This order lasts until a full court hearing can be held, usually within 15 days. Your spouse will be served with this order and required to appear at the hearing.
• Permanent Protective Order: After a full hearing where both you and your spouse have the opportunity to present evidence and testimony, a judge can issue a permanent protective order. This order can last for up to two years and can be extended if necessary.

A protective order can provide a wide range of protections, including:

• Prohibiting all contact between you and your spouse.
• Granting you temporary possession of the marital home.
• Granting you temporary custody of your children.
• Ordering the abusive spouse to attend counseling or treatment.
• Prohibiting the spouse from possessing a firearm.

What Evidence Do I Need to Document the Threats?

A judge’s decision to grant a protective order or to consider the threats in your divorce case will depend heavily on the evidence you provide. It is vital to document every incident of threatening behavior, no matter how minor it may seem at the time. Strong documentation creates a clear pattern of abuse that is difficult for a court to ignore.

Be diligent about gathering and preserving evidence such as:

• Written Communications: Save all text messages, emails, and direct messages on social media that contain threats or abusive language. Take screenshots and back them up.
• Voicemails: Save any threatening voicemails.
• A Personal Journal: Keep a detailed, contemporaneous log of every incident. Note the date, time, location, what was said or done, and who else may have witnessed it.
• Photographs and Videos: Take pictures of any physical injuries, damaged property, or weapons involved.
• Witness Information: Make a list of anyone who has witnessed the threats or the aftermath, including friends, family, neighbors, or coworkers.
• Police Reports: If you ever call law enforcement, obtain a copy of the police report.
• Medical Records: If you seek medical attention for any injuries, these records can serve as important evidence.

How Do Spousal Threats Impact a Virginia Divorce Case?

Evidence of threats and abuse is not just for obtaining a protective order. This evidence can and should be brought into your divorce case, which is handled in the Circuit Court. It can significantly influence several key aspects of the final divorce decree.

• Grounds for Divorce: Virginia allows for fault-based divorce. Threats and abuse can be used to establish the ground of “cruelty,” which can sometimes speed up the divorce process and may influence other court decisions.
• Child Custody and Visitation: This is where threats have the most significant impact. Virginia courts must make custody and visitation decisions based on the “best interests of the child.” State law explicitly requires judges to consider any history of family abuse when making this determination. A parent who has a history of threatening the other parent is less likely to be awarded primary physical or sole legal custody. The court may order supervised visitation to ensure the child’s safety.
• Equitable Distribution of Property: While Virginia law does not automatically punish a “guilty” spouse by giving them less of the marital property, a judge can consider the negative and positive contributions of each party to the marriage. A spouse’s abusive behavior can be factored into the judge’s decision on how to divide assets and debts fairly.
• Spousal Support: A finding of fault, such as cruelty or adultery, can sometimes affect an award of spousal support. For instance, a spouse found to be at fault may have their request for support reduced or denied.

Can My Spouse Use Financial Threats Against Me?

Financial abuse is a powerful form of control. If your spouse is threatening to leave you with nothing, it is not something to take lightly. These threats are designed to scare you into accepting an unfair settlement or abandoning the divorce altogether.

Virginia courts have tools to combat financial abuse during a divorce. Your attorney can file a pendente lite motion with the court. This is a request for a temporary hearing to put orders in place while the divorce is pending. A judge can order your spouse to:

• Pay temporary child support and spousal support.
• Pay the mortgage and other household bills.
• Refrain from selling, hiding, or borrowing against marital assets.
• Provide an accounting of all marital finances.

This temporary order provides financial stability and prevents your spouse from using money as a weapon while the divorce proceeds.

What Are Common Mistakes to Avoid When Being Threatened?

In a high-stress situation, it is easy to react in ways that could harm your safety or your legal case. It is important to avoid these common mistakes:

• Do Not Retaliate: Do not respond to threats with threats of your own. This can escalate the situation and make it harder for the court to see you as the victim.
• Do Not Ignore the Behavior: Taking threats seriously is the first step toward protecting yourself. Ignoring them can allow the behavior to escalate.
• Do Not Post on Social Media: Venting about your spouse or the divorce online can be used against you in court. Keep all details of your case confidential and between you and your legal counsel.
• Do Not Move Out of the Marital Home Without a Plan: While your safety comes first, leaving the marital home without a court order can sometimes complicate issues of property possession and child custody. Speak with an attorney before making a permanent move, unless you are in immediate danger.
• Do Not Destroy Evidence: Even if a message from your spouse is painful, do not delete it. Preserve everything.

How a Lawyer Helps Navigate This Situation

Facing a threatening spouse alone is an overwhelming and risky prospect. A knowledgeable Virginia family law attorney does more than just file paperwork; they become your shield and your advocate, allowing you to focus on your safety and well-being.

An attorney can immediately petition the court for a protective order to create legal separation and safety. They will handle all communications with your spouse and their lawyer, so you no longer have to engage with the person threatening you. Your lawyer will methodically gather all the evidence of abuse and present it effectively in both protective order hearings and your divorce trial to argue for a favorable outcome regarding custody, support, and the division of your property. By managing the legal complexities and fighting to protect your rights, a skilled lawyer provides the support needed to navigate this difficult time.

Secure Your Safety and Protect Your Future

The end of a marriage is difficult, but it should never be dangerous. The dedicated attorneys at Pack Law Group are here to provide the supportive and assertive legal representation you need. We serve clients throughout Central Virginia, including Bedford, Roanoke, and Lynchburg. We are committed to using Virginia’s laws to shield our clients from harm and to fight for the outcomes they deserve. To discuss your situation in a confidential consultation, call our firm today at 540-586-7225 or fill out our online contact form.